


you're so cruel, love, i want you so bad

by babyweis



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Drug Use, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Multi, Pornstars, i have no excuses for this, kihyun is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 21:33:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16900203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyweis/pseuds/babyweis
Summary: All it takes is a smile, a touch, some whispered lies, and then Minhyuk is coughing up flower petals





	you're so cruel, love, i want you so bad

**Author's Note:**

> so. i've been wanting to write a hanahaki!au for months and i've also wanted to write a pornstar!au for months so i just. smashed them together and this is the outcome

Minhyuk is everyone's favorite. That's a fact. He gets a lot of privileges, can easily back out from shoots if he's just _not feeling it,_ gets big paychecks that leaves a lot of other boys and young men looking at him like he just has committed a homicide. They say he has it easy. They can't seem to grasp the concept that he has gone a long way to achieve everything - that he, too, has had to do shoots even when he's feeling sick, has been made to film the same scenario for three times in a row and been told that he's completely hopeless.

He's been told several other things, too, ugly things, and sometimes they are just for the shoot and other times they are real. He remembers them all but refuses to think about them, just like he refuses to watch his older videos. The quality is bad, anyway. There's no use for anyone to see them.

His parents know. They found out right away. Minhyuk remembers being eighteen and returning home late at night, and leaving fifteen minutes later with his clothes and other belongings thrown to the snowy ground after him. He doesn't know how they found out, but he knows people talk. It was only a matter of time until everyone in his school knew, too. Even teachers. Most of them never addressed it, but Minhyuk could see it in the way they looked at him.

His literature teacher definitely knew. He was an older man, in his fourties, married with at least three kids. He'd pressed Minhyuk into a corner after class when everyone else was gone, and Minhyuk had punched him in the jaw and dropped out of school the next day. He lost contact with all his friends afterwards and lived five months with the man who had gotten him into the industry in the first place. All of his paychecks went to him.

So Minhyuk might be favored, but he definitely never had it easy. So, to hell with the people who run their mouths behind his back - he's not going to feel guilty for living well for once. He's not going to let anyone _ruin_ the fact that he's living well for once.

So when he gets an uneasy feeling at a shoot, he pushes it to the back of his mind and hides it underneath a dazzling smile. This is an important shoot, he knows. He's filming with someone he hasn't met before, and first impressions are always important, especially when it's with someone like Chae Hyungwon. Minhyuk has seen his videos, knows he's just as favored in the industry as he is. If this shoot goes well, they might pair up again later, which will bring in some very good money. He's heard a lot of people already have expressed that they want to see the two of them together.

_("I heard that's his real name, by the way," Hoseok told him earlier as they were sitting in the car, headed to their own shooting locations. "Maybe that's the key to success. That, and having no muscles."_

_"Are you bitter, Shin Wonho?" Minhyuk teased him. Hoseok elbowed him the ribs._

_"As if. Keep your fame and your name."_

_"Cool rhyme. Know what, maybe you should start making slogans and ads instead, or something."_

_"Shut up, Minhyuk.")_

Minhyuk's makeup is finished, and he's led out of the small room and then upstairs. The shooting set reminisces a hotel room, with a king-sized bed on the other side and a large bathtub on the other. The cameras and lights have already been set up.

Hyungwon's makeup has already been finished as well. With his tall frame and skinny legs he looks more like a model rather than a pornstar, but that's what they say about Minhyuk, too. They smile at each other as they're introduced, and stand close with their arms brushing as the director goes over the script.

"We'll start off with Hyungwon in the bathtub," he explains, flipping through his papers. His voice is rough and his features defined, and Minhyuk knows that he's been acting before himself. "Minhyuk will join him. Be seductive, flirty, don't drop your bathrobe right away. Think of it as you already know each other, but haven't done this before. It could be forbidden. Go for sensual, passionate."

"Sure thing," Minhyuk says lightly. Someone adjusts his bathrobe so it's barely on his shoulders, exposes his collarbones.

"Do we need to memorize any lines?" Hyungwon asks.

"Nothing specific," the director responds. "You can talk, but remember, _passionate_. It has to be like you just can't seem to get enough of each other."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Hyungwon definitely knows how to be passionate. He kisses Minhyuk until he sees stars, runs his hands all over his skin, explores everywhere, whispers things that Minhyuk has never even dreamed of hearing, neither in shoots or in real life. Minhyuk kind of feels disappointed when they are announced to take a break and get out of the bathtub and move to the bed instead.

He definitely feels disappointed when they properly finish the shoot, but he asks if they can exchange numbers and Hyungwon says yes, and it makes up for it a tiny bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"You're really in your thoughts today," Hoseok tells him. He's dressed in blue jeans and a black leather jacket, his hair styled. Minhyuk is wearing a yellow t-shirt and white socks, his underwear gone somewhere. They're having a shoot together, something about Hoseok being Minhyuk's older brother's best friend and finding him _playing_ by himself. It's the most basic scene Minhyuk can think of, whether it's straight or gay porn, but people always like the idea of a cute teenager getting ruined by a bad boy.

At least he'll be done with playing teen roles in two years, at tops. He's already turning twenty-three and slowly losing his babyface for good.

"Am I?" he asks, pulling at his socks until his makeup artist gives him a look and he's forced to stop. "Didn't notice."

Hoseok huffs a laugh at that and nudges his ribs. "Come on. Hyunwoo said you were dozing off yesterday, too. The director actually got _frustrated_ at you. What are you even thinking of?"

"He didn't get _frustrated_ at me," Minhyuk defends himself, ignoring the question. "He just called for a break once and told me to be more into it."

"It's still rare for you to get criticism."

Minhyuk rolls his eyes. The director calls them over, and they get up from the couch, striding over to the bedroom where the set has been built.

"We'll be starting. Minhyuk, did you prep yourself?"

Minhyuk climbs onto the bed, rolling the long hem of his shirt up and bending over to reveal the base of the buttplug embedded inside of him. There's an approving hum and a whistle, and he laughs, shooting a wink at a particular camera man's direction.

The cameras roll, and Minhyuk does his job, fucks himself and then lets Hoseok fuck him. Usually, he enjoys the shoots with Hoseok the most, but this time he's completely out of it, and they have to stop a few times. Someone asks him if he's feeling sick. He says he's not, but he's not sure if that's true.

It might be a little sick to think of Hyungwon so obsessively.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Do you think we'll have a shoot again soon? Together?"

Hyungwon blows the smoke out of his mouth and shrugs his shoulders. He's leaning outside, his elbows on the windowsill and the streetlights casting on his face. Minhyuk lies on his bed and watches him, traces his beautiful features with his gaze, and wonders why he would set for porn when he could be so much more. "Maybe," he says, "they really liked the last one."

"Did you like it?" Minhyuk asks. Hyungwon stamps his cigarette against the windowsill and looks at him.

"The video, or working with you?"

"Both."

"I did."

Minhyuk grins. Hyungwon climbs back on the bed with him, scrapes his nails through Minhyuk's disheveled hair and grins back at him. He smells of smoke and of an old cologne Minhyuk recognizes from somewhere.

"Do you like being here with me?"

"I do," Hyungwon tells him. "We should do this again, sometime."

"Definitely," Minhyuk says. He lifts his hand and follows Hyungwon's jawline with his finger, and then clasps at the back of his neck to bring him down and kiss him. Hyungwon claims his lips easily, devours him, marks him.

 _Passionate_ , Minhyuk thinks, _like they couldn't get enough of each other._

"You're pretty," Hyungwon whispers against his lips, breathes his smoke in Minhyuk's lungs, presses his fingers on his skin. Minhyuk breathes heavily and clings onto him,

"Tell me more."

"Your eyes are so bright," Hyungwon tells him, laces their fingers together, "you're so goddamn bright and warm, Minhyuk. You're so warm to me. It's beautiful." He slides his hands down and grasps at Minhyuk's wrists instead, and Minhyuk comes, shaking.

They make out a little more, and Hyungwon smokes one more cigarette, and then he leaves. Minhyuk lies on his bed, his feet against the headboard, curled into himself and breathing in the scent Hyungwon left in his sheets.

He wakes up at five in the morning, feeling like he's suffocating, coughs and coughs and twists his body in the sheets until something pushes up his throat and out of his mouth. He throws up flower petals on his bed, on the spot where Hyungwon lay a few hours prior.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
There's a photoshoot, the next day. They're making a calendar. Minhyuk wraps a finger around the hook of Changkyun's jeans while they're waiting for their makeup and pulls him to the side.

"What the hell, Minhyuk, you look like shit," Changkyun tells him, grasping at his jaw and dabbing at the circles under his eyes with his pinky finger. "What happened?"

"Give me a pill," Minhyuk says, determined. Changkyun raises an eyebrow at him.

"Before your shoot? Are you sure?"

Minhyuk inhales deeply. "I won't do the fucking shoot if you don't give me the damn pill."

Changkyun sighs. He pulls Minhyuk to the backroom with him, rummages through his bag and pulls out a see-through bottle, small enough to hide it in his palm. Minhyuk opens his mouth, and Changkyun sets a pill on his tongue, brushes his hair back as he swallows.

His throat is still dry, burning even if he already drank two whole bottles of water in the morning. The pill slowly numbs the pain as they return back to the set and sit down to get their makep done. The shoot passes by in a whim, and for a moment, Minhyuk doesn't think about Hyungwon or the flower petals that he tossed to the toilet and flushed down.

"Hey," Hyunwoo catches him by the arm after the shoot, "how are you feeling?"

"You too?" Minhyuk laughs, pulls his hand free and grabs his sweater from a hanger. "Stop worrying. I'm fine."

Hyynwoo doesn't say anything to that. Minhyuk dresses up and pats his shoulder on the way out. The pill starts wearing off. He feels cold outside and regrets not bringing his jacket.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hyungwon calls him a week later, asks him if he wants to go clubbing together. He says yes, and vomits flowers onto his carpet once Hyungwon hangs up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Hey," Minhyuk says softly, his eyes unfocused as he rolls over on the bed. "Hey, Changkyun. What do you know about Chae Hyungwon?"

Changkyun looks up at him from where he's sitting on the floor, an empty glass on his hand and a wine stain on his white dress shirt. Jooheon is lying on the floor, has his head on Changkyun's thighs and his eyes closed. Hoseok lies on the bed behind Minhyuk, completely knocked out, his shirt on the floor and his hair a mess. Hyunwoo met a cute boy in the party that's still going on in the hotel lobby and stayed behind to talk with him.

"Chae Hyungwon," Changkyun repeats. He sets his glass down onto the floor, and knocks it over, watches as it rolls across the floor. "Not much. Haven't had a shoot with him. You did, didn't you? Like a few months ago?"

"Yeah," Minhyuk says. "Yeah, I did. I got his number. We fuck sometimes."

"Why are you asking me, then?"

"I don't know."

Changkyun sighs, and it feels loud. Minhyuk watches how he digs his painted nails on Jooheon's cheeks, causing the latter to groan and open his eyes.

"That shit _hurts_ ," Jooheon mutters under his breath. Changkyun hushes him, digs through his pockets and pulls out his pills. He slips one in Jooheon's mouth and pats his cheek to make him swallow.

"Jooheon," he says, "Chae Hyungwon. You know anything?"

Jooheon hums. "Isn't he weird, sort of?" he rolls over to his side and settles there, his face pressed against Changkyun's crotch. "Sleeps around a lot, outside of job. Don't know. He used to fuck Kihyun. Or maybe he still does."

Minhyuk frowns. He doesn't like the sound of that. It's unpleasant. The pill must be wearing off.

"Kyunie," he says, reaches over with his hand, "feed me."

Changkyun presses a pill on his palm, and he swallows it, closes his eyes and rolls onto his back. He feels floaty, like he's in water, almost on the surface but not quite, and there's a little bit of water in his lungs.

"Do you just fuck," Changkyun speaks up, his voice distant, "or is it something else?"

"We just fuck," Minhyuk says, because that's true, probably. That's what they do. Minhyuk throws up the flowers alone, on his own. They're not a part of the deal. If they had a deal. He reaches over to Hoseok and tugs at his pierced ear, pinches his skin, but Hoseok doesn't wake, his steady breaths not wavering. "We just fuck," he repeats. He's not sure who he's trying to convince.

"How often?" Changkyun asks.

"Too often, probably," Minhyuk says. He presses his thumb at Hoseok's cheekbone. Hoseok's skin is rougher than Hyungwon's. "But not enough. You know?"

"Yeah," Changkyun says. Minhyuk looks at him with glassy eyes and watches him wake Jooheon again, tugging at the boy's red hair and kissing him once he stirs. They start making out, Jooheon's eyes open and dazed, and Minhyuk grabs his phone and types out a message.

 _why aren't you here,_ it reads when Hyunwoo comes to wake them up the next morning and he checks his phone. Hyungwon hasn't replied. Minhyuk untangles himself from Changkyun and Jooheon's arms and pads to the bathroom, bare, not bothering to put his clothes on. Hoseok joins him in the shower a few minutes later and grumbles about them having fun without him last night.

"Shut up," Minhyuk tells him and squeezes an unnecessary amount of shampoo in his hair, "we did try waking you up. Not my fault you knocked out so fast."

"You were the one telling me to take more shots. God, my head hurts."

"Shouldn't have listened."

"Brat."

Minhyuk sticks his tongue out. The bathroom floor is slippery when they finish, and they nearly fall over while drying themselves and each other with one towel. They come out to Hyunwoo talking on the phone in the balcony and Changkyun and Jooheon making out on the bed.

"Hey," Changkyun says once he spots them, points at Minhyuk's phone on the floor. "Your lover boy called."

"Lover boy?" Hoseok repeats. Changkyun shrugs his shoulders and presses his cheek against Jooheon's hair. Jooheon surrenders, lies still like a doll.

"Chae Hyungwon."

Minhyuk's heart flips and his lungs burn. He grasps at his phone and stares at the screen, at the one missed call. Hoseok and Changkyun stare at him, and Changkyun says,

"You just fuck."

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Why'd you call me?" Minhyuk asks. He has his phone in a tight grip, his knuckles turning white as he squeezes, stares down at the floor. He's home, in his own apartment, alone. Hyunwoo dropped him off earlier, just like he dropped off everyone else.

 _"Why'd you text me?"_ Hyungwon asks back. His voice is smooth, lazy. Minhyuk swings on his feet and grits his teeth.

"I was drunk."

 _"Oh, so we're going for drunk texting now,"_ Hyungwon says. His laugh hits Minhyuk with full force, makes his stomach churn, but he wants to hear more of it. _"I feel like a bad ex, or something."_

"Hyungwon," Minhyuk says, chews on his lower lip as there's no answer from the other end of the line. "Hyungwon. Why'd you call?"

 _"To know why you texted me,"_ Hyungwon says simply _. "Why? Should I not? You've never minded my calls before."_

"That's not it," Minhyuk whispers. He's not sure if Hyungwon hears him, and he swallows, steps back and slumps down onto his couch. "What are you doing today?"

_"My schedule is free."_

"Can you come here?"

 _"To your place?"_ Hyungwon takes a short break. Minhyuk can hear him breathing out, long, relaxing. He's probably smoking _. "Sure."_

Minhyuk waits for two hours for Hyungwon to show up at his door. He's jittery and his breathing is shallow, and he almost doesn't answer the door. When he does, Hyungwon dances in as if he owned the place, sits down onto his couch and only then kicks his shoes off, his jacket still draped over his shoulders. Minhyuk sits onto his lap and takes it off for him.

"How many?" he asks. Hyungwon raises an eyebrow at him.

"What do you mean?"

"How many others are there, besides me?" Minhyuk asks again. He stays seated on Hyungwon's thighs, lets Hyungwon slip a hand underneath the waistband of his sweapants and press his cold fingers on his skin.

"What is it to you?" Hyungwon asks. Minhyuk stares, lifts his hands up to Hyungwon's cheeks, presses his thumbs against his cheekbones.

"Nothing," he says. He slips his hands down to Hyungwon's shoulders and grasps at the fabric of his shirt there, kisses Hyungwon on the corner of his mouth. "Will you hold me?"

"Always," Hyungwon tells him. He draws Minhyuk's body closer to him and touches him, runs his hand on his clothes and underneath until Minhyuk is running out of breath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
The next time, it's when Minhyuk is in the middle of a shoot. He's with an older man, one who he hasn't filmed with before and whose name he forgets right after the introductions. Their set is a kitchen, and Minhyuk is bend over the wide island, his forehead pressed against the cool marble. They're half-way through the shoot when he senses it, feels his stomach and throat prickle and tastes the iron on his mouth.

He blurts out his safeword, and everything comes to a stop. Someone asks if he's okay, and he doesn't answer, scrambling away from the set and the cameras. He locks himself in the tiny bathroom and drops to his knees, gripping at the toilet seat while gasping for breath. Someone knocks on the door, frantic. His body spasms as he throws up, digging his nails on the skin on his chest. There's so many of them, so many petals, he thinks there's one full flower too.

There's blood on them.

 _So it's getting worse,_ he thinks. The bathroom is cold, and his lower back hurts, but not nearly as much as his throat does. There's more knocking on the door, more voices calling for his name, and he flushes the toilet, gets up on wobbly legs.

"I can't continue with the shoot," he tells the director after unlocking the door. Someone brings him a blanket and drapes it over his shoulders. "I'm sick. I'm sorry."

The director tells him he understands, but he seems disappointed, regardless. Minhyuk goes to change and texts the office not to get him any more jobs for the next few days.

The next few days, because he's going to get better. It _can't_ last that long. This is just a bad day. A bad week. He needs to meet up with Hyungwon. He never throws up when he's with Hyungwon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Hyungwon invites him over to his apartment. Minhyuk goes, brings him a bottle of wine that they drink in one night. He finds himself missing Changkyun's pills, wishes that he'd have one with him, but then Hyungwon kisses him and presses him against a wall, and he forgets all about it.

Hyungwon is a better drug. More intoxicating, easier to get addicted to, messes Minhyuk's head and his body up better. He knows exactly what Minhyuk likes, knows where to bite to have Minhyuk shaking, knows where to put his fingers to have Minhyuk crying and begging. He's raw, and he feels real, more than anyone else has ever felt, even if it was all just a play for him, just another scene to shoot without cameras.

Minhyuk's head spins, and he grabs at Hyungwon's hair, tilts his head back to let Hyungwon bite at his neck. The wall behind him feels like it's moving, and so does the floor beneath his feet. Hyungwon is the only thing he dares to rely on.

And then he feels it. He tries to stop it, force it back down his throat, but he isn't able to. It grows, and spreads, and he only manages to shove Hyungwon away from him, doesn't have the time to run away to hide in the bathroom when he's throwing up, grasping at his sides with his eyes stinging. There are petals, and there is something else, crawling up his throat, scratching, and he coughs up blood.

"Minhyuk," he hears Hyungwon say, sees him crouch down in front of him, and he scrambles back in pure _panic_ , because Hyungwon saw. Hyungwon saw. Out of all the people, _Hyungwon_ saw- "Minhyuk, is this- are you...?"

Minhyuk nods, and then shakes his head, and then brings his hands up to his face, trying to hold back another coughing fit. It comes, regardless, and he leans down, his forehead nearly touching the floor as another petal falls down to the floor. He hears footsteps, Hyungwon hastily walking back, and then he hears him talking, speaking over the phone as he returns to him and kneels down next to him. He's calling the hospital, Minhyuk understands. He doesn't know if he should be relieved or terrified.

They're going to tell him to get surgery. He knows. He has read all about it. It will take away the pain, and then it will really just be about fucking, the thing in between him and Hyungwon.

He doesn't know if he wants that. Hyungwon grasps at his shoulder, his hand familiar, comforting, and Minhyuk leans onto it, onto him until he loses the strength to keep himself up and completely crashes against Hyungwon's body.

"Hey," Hyungwon whispers to him, "you're going to be okay."

He's real. Minhyuk holds onto that. Maybe if he waits a little longer, Hyungwon will return his feelings and he won't need the surgery at all. The petals will be gone, and he will have Hyungwon, to himself, and Hyungwon will have him, to himself.

Maybe.

He's not sure when he loses consciousness, but he's sure the last thing he remembers is Hyungwon's bodyheat when he opens his eyes again. Hyungwon isn't there, though. Changkyun is, and Hoseok, and Hyunwoo, and Jooheon. He can breathe properly.

It's a terrifying feeling.

 

 

 

 


End file.
